you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
