Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
