I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
