I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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