i need an iv and a liver transplant
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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