Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
