god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
