What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
