Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
