I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
