The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The best revenge is premature balding
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
