No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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