Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
