So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
