drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
