It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
