i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
