Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
