I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
