I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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