yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
