This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
