a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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