how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
