are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my phone needs a breathalizer
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
