she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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