How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
