A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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