1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
