Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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