I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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