No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
