This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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