Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
