my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
