We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
