as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
