Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
