Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
