i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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