I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
