My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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