In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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