Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
