I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
