dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
