I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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