Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
