Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
