I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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