I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
