We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
